Parenthood Job Description

A little summary about Parenthood that was e-mailed to me years ago

~ author unknown (but brilliant)

POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma / Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organize skills and will be willing to workers variable house, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

• The rest of your life.
• Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
• Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
• Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysterious sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
• Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
• Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
• Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and embarrassment the next.
• Must handle assembly and product safety testing on half a million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.
• Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
• Must assume final complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
• Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and daily janitorial work throughout the facility.

ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
NONE.
Your job is to remain in the same position for decades, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the job trainings offered on a continual exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this… YOU PAY THEM!!! While offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing is about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

NO RETIREMENT BENEFITS EVER.

{WAIT... WHAT WERE WE SIGNING UP FOR AGAIN? THERE ALSO WAS NO MENTION ABOUT ALLLLLL THAT LAUNDRY...}